Jesus loves you! You are made in the image of God and HE wants what's best for you.
I felt I should begin with that, because I needed a reminder of this singular fact. Especially on days like today when I am doubting myself.
Why is it that we think low self esteem is a purely adolescent concept. I freely admit that I believed in the lie that once you get out of your 20s, and somewhat settled into a career, you would suddenly be able to see and embrace your flaws while growing into this beautiful adult creature who just "gets it". I tell my students that one day they'll stop caring about the perfect duck-lip selfie or stop comparing themselves to others because, on some level, I really hope that's the case. But, let's face it, even as fully realized adults, we have these deep insecurities we never learned to deal with. We've buried them so deep within ourselves, even we've forgotten they were there...
A short list of things I am insecure about (here goes):
1. Being left out of things (coworkers, friends, etc.)
2. The way my students and parents perceive me as a teacher.
3. If I am doing the right things (pick an occasion).
4. Being seen as worthy of love and attractive to men.
5. My body image.
These fears come out in the craziest ways! I get paranoid that people are talking about me. I will literally look at a plus sized person and be like, "At least I'm not that big." Or, if I feel like my coworkers are doing a lot of things without me, I immediately think, "What did I do wrong so that they didn't invite me?" It's crazy! I know it' crazy, but there is some hurt part of me that needs validation from other people. Not need.WANT!
These dark thoughts have even started infiltrating my dreams, y'all. I dreamt I was out with my friends and this new guy I was dating (he may have resembled this new cutie in my life who loves God and has a passion for helping the people of God). Anyway, we were at this party/club just having a good time and then he disappeared. When I looked around, I saw him making out with this beautiful, skinny blonde. My friends, in my dream, were like, girl what is happening, blah blah blah...gassing you up like friends do. I was deeply hurt. I woke up pondering what that dream was about. After talking about it with another friend we both agreed it's just my insecurities manifesting in my dreams. It was as if I, black and fat I, was not worthy of love and respect of a guy I admire therefore I shouldn't be surprised if he leaves me for something more beautiful.
YIKES! How do we overcome this? There has to be better than advice that when you get older you'll be more comfortable as yourself or (my personal favorite) just don't care about what other people think. How do we start seeing ourselves the way God sees us? I'm on a new journey. I want to learn to love myself because I am worthy and I do deserve love. I don't want validation from people. I don't want to have to shorten my skirts and wear less modest clothing in an effort to get a guys attention. I don't want to buy into all of his hobbies to get him to like me just a little bit more. I'm tired of giving up on myself in the hopes of impressing a guy. I want to love me because I am made in the image of God.
Anyway, enough of that. I know someone else out there has the same feelings. I'm interested in knowing how you overcome this feelings of not being enough. I plan to start by finding out more who I am in Christ.
Ayeshah
I felt I should begin with that, because I needed a reminder of this singular fact. Especially on days like today when I am doubting myself.
Why is it that we think low self esteem is a purely adolescent concept. I freely admit that I believed in the lie that once you get out of your 20s, and somewhat settled into a career, you would suddenly be able to see and embrace your flaws while growing into this beautiful adult creature who just "gets it". I tell my students that one day they'll stop caring about the perfect duck-lip selfie or stop comparing themselves to others because, on some level, I really hope that's the case. But, let's face it, even as fully realized adults, we have these deep insecurities we never learned to deal with. We've buried them so deep within ourselves, even we've forgotten they were there...
A short list of things I am insecure about (here goes):
1. Being left out of things (coworkers, friends, etc.)
2. The way my students and parents perceive me as a teacher.
3. If I am doing the right things (pick an occasion).
4. Being seen as worthy of love and attractive to men.
5. My body image.
These fears come out in the craziest ways! I get paranoid that people are talking about me. I will literally look at a plus sized person and be like, "At least I'm not that big." Or, if I feel like my coworkers are doing a lot of things without me, I immediately think, "What did I do wrong so that they didn't invite me?" It's crazy! I know it' crazy, but there is some hurt part of me that needs validation from other people. Not need.WANT!
These dark thoughts have even started infiltrating my dreams, y'all. I dreamt I was out with my friends and this new guy I was dating (he may have resembled this new cutie in my life who loves God and has a passion for helping the people of God). Anyway, we were at this party/club just having a good time and then he disappeared. When I looked around, I saw him making out with this beautiful, skinny blonde. My friends, in my dream, were like, girl what is happening, blah blah blah...gassing you up like friends do. I was deeply hurt. I woke up pondering what that dream was about. After talking about it with another friend we both agreed it's just my insecurities manifesting in my dreams. It was as if I, black and fat I, was not worthy of love and respect of a guy I admire therefore I shouldn't be surprised if he leaves me for something more beautiful.
YIKES! How do we overcome this? There has to be better than advice that when you get older you'll be more comfortable as yourself or (my personal favorite) just don't care about what other people think. How do we start seeing ourselves the way God sees us? I'm on a new journey. I want to learn to love myself because I am worthy and I do deserve love. I don't want validation from people. I don't want to have to shorten my skirts and wear less modest clothing in an effort to get a guys attention. I don't want to buy into all of his hobbies to get him to like me just a little bit more. I'm tired of giving up on myself in the hopes of impressing a guy. I want to love me because I am made in the image of God.
Anyway, enough of that. I know someone else out there has the same feelings. I'm interested in knowing how you overcome this feelings of not being enough. I plan to start by finding out more who I am in Christ.
Ayeshah
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