First post of the new year...

I'm going to just stop apologizing for being lazy...

The past year has been full of spurts of growth followed by months of stagnation. I'm cognizant enough to acknowledge that it's not because God is flaky. He is unchanging and steadfast. I, however, suffer from a severe case of humanity and am fallible and easily distracted. Let me summarize my 2018 so far:

1. I turned 32! Dang. I think there are about 6 years of embarrassing life experiences documented on this blog....you can read them for yourself...but try not to laugh too hard.

2. I am still single. And contrary to popular belief, that is not a bad thing. I think God is teaching me something about patience and total reliance on Him as opposed to a person. I am a slow learner...I need more time.

3. Towards the end of the year last year, after 4.5 years of fighting the urge, I decided to become a pet owner. Read: cat lady. I took in 2 strays, Jiaozi and Toby, both of whom have since gone to whatever great beyond animals go to when they die. I know it seems I am A) very irresponsible and B) a terrible pet parent...but please don't judge me too harshly. Both deaths were not my fault. Jiaozi escaped while I was on holiday and away during Chinese New Year's and was likely poisoned by a disgruntled neighbor (evidence pending) and Toby showed signs of an incurable cat virus that was going to kill him slowly, so I put him down. This was after months of shuttling him back and forth to the vet for mysterious fevers, severe weight and hair loss, and, the nail in the coffin (figuratively speaking...he was cremated), a week of him not eating. It was a very hard decision, but the best.

4. I commemorated the 1 year anniversary of Anna's passing. This was the same day I decided to put Toby to sleep, coincidence not planned...so it was a day of sadness, but not necessarily the same as a year ago.

5. I have decided to bring my niece and nephew back to China for school at the end of summer. I will go from having no kids, and being an unsuccessful pet mother, to being a single mother of 2. Pray for me.

6. I will be teaching AP langauge next school year and must take a summer course...pray harder.

7. I was walking the other day, completely engrossed with changing the music on my phone that I walked right into a foot bridge hitting my head on a metal pole. It's hilarious now, but at the time I was near tears from the pain (how fast was I walking?) and embarrassment.

Overall, I am excited about where I'm going. I was just listening to a sermon from http://cornerstoneatl.org/sermons/ and felt convicted by some questions posed:

1. How does my Christianity inform my life decisions?

2. How am I compromising the word of God to fit in with society?

It's easy for me to say the things I do well and to want to brag:

1. I am celibate. (Possibly why I am still single.)
2. I try to be a peacemaker. 
3. I try to love people.
4. I don't do drugs or drink to the point of drunkenness.

And the list could continue. But God is really working in me to produce something greater than myself and my efforts.

1. How am I letting Jesus change my heart and make me new?

2. How am I allowing the Holy Spirit to guide my steps in life? Or rather...

3. How am I defiantly standing in the way of God moving in my life because of fear?

I will openly admit I am afraid of being seen as weird...but why? When do we arrive at that point of salvation where we rejoice in suffering and proudly live counter culturally? I find that there are times when I don't dare open mouth with truth because I'd rather let someone wallow in ignorance than offend them.

This cannot continue.

I cooked something the other day and seasoned it, I thought, to death. While eating, I was like, why is this so bland? Where is the flavor? I knew I had put more than the recommended amount of salt in it while cooking. This was further supported by the fact that I was downing water at an alarming rate while eating, but I still could not taste the flavor. Then it hit me, this is an apt analogy for my spiritual life. Full of tasteless salt. In Matthew 5:13, Jesus says, "You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost it's taste, how shall it's saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet." (ESV)

Ouch! That's what I felt. It's so easy to get comfortable and to stop seeking God and think you are where you should be. It's so easy to decieve yourself into thinking you are safe and doing your best. It's so easy to think you are good. I am here to tell you, you are not good. None of us are. I don't care how well you keep the commandments and how loud you pray, if you are not doing the Father's work, you are wasting time. So, in this extra late New Year's post I am making a commitment to be about God's business. I am commiting to be salty salt and a weird ambassador for Heaven. I'm not 💯 sure what that will look like in my life, but I do know, God will provide the road map.

Peace and love,

Ayeshah