The past couple of months have been a difficult time for me. Before i get into my woes, I want to preface this post with a disclaimer: I am not, nor have I ever been an overly emotional person incapable of controlling my emotions. In fact, I often get accused of being cold and unfeeling...too logical. My mom told me, when she dies, she wants ME to pull the plug because I'm levelheaded and "logical" and will do the right thing...
I wanted to tell her that I do feel, I just do it quietly and alone. I wanted to tell her, I shut down when having to deal with things that overwhelm me emotionally, no because I can't feel, but because it hurts too much to dwell in it. I wanted to tell her, that I am not the strong, aloft robot she thinks I am, who would struggle to "pull the plug" that officially ends her mothers life...but I didn't. Instead, I awkwardly tried to change the subject to troubles I'd recently been having with Hulu and an email I'd received (in Spanish) from Netflix offering me 2 months free service...even though I'm currently paying them $8 a month.
Truth be told, despite the fact that I found the conversation disturbing, I found myself wanting to change the topic for an altogether different reason. April 12, 2017, I lost a very dear and close friend. She was wonderful, funny, and kind. She took me in like a stray cat and made me a part of the family. It's been almost 2 months, and I still think about the last time I saw her. I still hear a father telling their 3 kids that their mother had gone to heaven. I still see the remnants of a family trying to rebuild itself. And I feel overwhelmed with so much emotion.
Though the tears aren't flowing as liberally, I still find myself filling the quiet moments when I'm alone with a mindless sitcom. Something to get me away from my thoughts...from my grief. I learned a few things about myself that I'd never realized before:
1. I am an avoider. You know those passive aggressive people who don't like to deal with confrontation head on? I always criticized them! I hate having unspoken conflict, I like to talk things out. I never considered myself one to avoid anything! In my delusional brain, I'd labeled myself as someone who faces things head on. This, my personal healing process, has made me realize that I don't deal with things. When something really matters, when something forces me to feel too sad or overwhelmed, I try to find things that drown it out. I must have watched Moana 50 times. It was positive, it had great songs, and in the end, no one died. The trouble with being an avoider is that you don't actually deal with the real issue. Which leads me to number 2.
2. I had strayed away from a life centered around Christ. That's hard to say because I'm admitting that I have lived years of my life in open rebellion against God while telling anyone who asked that I am a Christian. Being this close to death, realizing how little control I have over my life, I was scared of what that meant..and i wasn't ready. I had nothing to offer the creator of life when and if I was called to meet him. This made me reflective.
3. I wanted my mommy. I wanted to just lay in bed with my mother, like a child, and be held. This is a HUGE admission for me...and if you knew me, personally, you'd understand why. There's something unbelievably lonely about living thousands of miles away from home. I'd considered it freedom at some point, but at that time, and occasionally now, it feels quiet. Too quiet. I was tempted to quit my job and fly home immediately, but I knew that was a decision based on emotions and not actual thought. I was afraid that something could happen to me and I'd have no way of contacting my family...no way of saying last words. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to tell them, "Hey, we have no control over how long we live, are we happy with who we are now?" The privilege of living in a country that is not my own had stopped being novelty a long time ago, but at that moment, it was torture.
4. I have some really awesome friends. People who cried with me. People who listened to my story with no judgment and grace. I've comet o realize that those people exist and I don't have to hold in my emotions and wait till I'm alone to deal with them.
I didn't intend this post to be this long, but I do want to end on a happier note. I am at peace, more so, now. I still find it hard thinking about my friend and talking about her to people who didn't know her. I balled over a Thanksgiving picture from a year ago because it was hosted at her house and we were all so happy. But I think that's normal. I think time will make this easier. I am a firm believer that God takes these horrible moments and uses them for good and I am blessed to be able to share this moment, my story, with someone else who may need to read it.
Ayeshah
I wanted to tell her that I do feel, I just do it quietly and alone. I wanted to tell her, I shut down when having to deal with things that overwhelm me emotionally, no because I can't feel, but because it hurts too much to dwell in it. I wanted to tell her, that I am not the strong, aloft robot she thinks I am, who would struggle to "pull the plug" that officially ends her mothers life...but I didn't. Instead, I awkwardly tried to change the subject to troubles I'd recently been having with Hulu and an email I'd received (in Spanish) from Netflix offering me 2 months free service...even though I'm currently paying them $8 a month.
Truth be told, despite the fact that I found the conversation disturbing, I found myself wanting to change the topic for an altogether different reason. April 12, 2017, I lost a very dear and close friend. She was wonderful, funny, and kind. She took me in like a stray cat and made me a part of the family. It's been almost 2 months, and I still think about the last time I saw her. I still hear a father telling their 3 kids that their mother had gone to heaven. I still see the remnants of a family trying to rebuild itself. And I feel overwhelmed with so much emotion.
Though the tears aren't flowing as liberally, I still find myself filling the quiet moments when I'm alone with a mindless sitcom. Something to get me away from my thoughts...from my grief. I learned a few things about myself that I'd never realized before:
1. I am an avoider. You know those passive aggressive people who don't like to deal with confrontation head on? I always criticized them! I hate having unspoken conflict, I like to talk things out. I never considered myself one to avoid anything! In my delusional brain, I'd labeled myself as someone who faces things head on. This, my personal healing process, has made me realize that I don't deal with things. When something really matters, when something forces me to feel too sad or overwhelmed, I try to find things that drown it out. I must have watched Moana 50 times. It was positive, it had great songs, and in the end, no one died. The trouble with being an avoider is that you don't actually deal with the real issue. Which leads me to number 2.
2. I had strayed away from a life centered around Christ. That's hard to say because I'm admitting that I have lived years of my life in open rebellion against God while telling anyone who asked that I am a Christian. Being this close to death, realizing how little control I have over my life, I was scared of what that meant..and i wasn't ready. I had nothing to offer the creator of life when and if I was called to meet him. This made me reflective.
3. I wanted my mommy. I wanted to just lay in bed with my mother, like a child, and be held. This is a HUGE admission for me...and if you knew me, personally, you'd understand why. There's something unbelievably lonely about living thousands of miles away from home. I'd considered it freedom at some point, but at that time, and occasionally now, it feels quiet. Too quiet. I was tempted to quit my job and fly home immediately, but I knew that was a decision based on emotions and not actual thought. I was afraid that something could happen to me and I'd have no way of contacting my family...no way of saying last words. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to tell them, "Hey, we have no control over how long we live, are we happy with who we are now?" The privilege of living in a country that is not my own had stopped being novelty a long time ago, but at that moment, it was torture.
4. I have some really awesome friends. People who cried with me. People who listened to my story with no judgment and grace. I've comet o realize that those people exist and I don't have to hold in my emotions and wait till I'm alone to deal with them.
I didn't intend this post to be this long, but I do want to end on a happier note. I am at peace, more so, now. I still find it hard thinking about my friend and talking about her to people who didn't know her. I balled over a Thanksgiving picture from a year ago because it was hosted at her house and we were all so happy. But I think that's normal. I think time will make this easier. I am a firm believer that God takes these horrible moments and uses them for good and I am blessed to be able to share this moment, my story, with someone else who may need to read it.
Ayeshah
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