What is it about jet lag that makes you feel...reflective. There something about your body being completely alert in the middle of the night, while everyone else is asleep, that gets thoughts percolating.
This morning, as I was coming up with my 2020 game plan, I was listening to this YouTube video about courtship and Christian dating. What struck me was this concept of community and how vital it is for believers to exist in a healthy, functioning community for overall spiritual health.
As per usual, I reflected on my own sense of community, and my role in said community. I tend to exist on the fringe of whatever circle I am in. A member, but an emotionally distant member who could easily leave with no real dent being made in the circle. It's always left me feeling left out when I wasn't included in an event, or grateful when I missed the drama of a fall out. Ultimately, it's left me questioning where I belong.
This was the first morning I was able to properly articulate my feelings of discomfort within Christian circles. I am not spiritually strong enough to see myself as a leader or a teacher, nor am I so weak that I feel I am in danger of falling away..I just exist. This morning it hit me that I just don't know where I belong when I am asked to join a community wherein the roles I have traditionally assumed are not needed. Let me explain.
I believe our sense and understanding of community is shaped and modeled by our family. How we understand ourselves and our roles within a group begins with how we interact and function in our family. For the majority of my childhood, and much of my adult life, I have assumed the role of nurturer and mother in my family. To me, family has become a place where I see needs and work to meet them, a place where I offer advice and guidance, and, sometimes to my detriment, a place where I model "good" behavior. Because my closest relationships have been built on this image of me as a rescuer and the image of motherly/sisterly perfection, I never learned how to truly be my authentic self within that context. **I do not think I am perfect, nor do I think I never show true personality traits...I'm really focusing on the aspects of my role within a community.**
This morning, I realized, within a community of people who do not need me to meet their emotional or physical needs (money, food, ect...), I don't know how to relate. I struggle to be vulnerable and open and I struggle to relate as something other than a mother or older sister. In my existence on the fringe of my community groups, I have a desire for more. I want to be a part of a spiritual community like the ones outlined in the Bible. I acknowledge my need for an older female mentor to guide me through Christian womanhood, and I know I have gifts and talents that exist for the sole purpose of building God's Kingdom, but why do I struggle to be authentically myself within these groups?
I have no answers. My game plan for 2020 is to build authenticity within a community that serves God and people. I look forward to keeping you posted on my journey of self discovery.
This morning, as I was coming up with my 2020 game plan, I was listening to this YouTube video about courtship and Christian dating. What struck me was this concept of community and how vital it is for believers to exist in a healthy, functioning community for overall spiritual health.
As per usual, I reflected on my own sense of community, and my role in said community. I tend to exist on the fringe of whatever circle I am in. A member, but an emotionally distant member who could easily leave with no real dent being made in the circle. It's always left me feeling left out when I wasn't included in an event, or grateful when I missed the drama of a fall out. Ultimately, it's left me questioning where I belong.
This was the first morning I was able to properly articulate my feelings of discomfort within Christian circles. I am not spiritually strong enough to see myself as a leader or a teacher, nor am I so weak that I feel I am in danger of falling away..I just exist. This morning it hit me that I just don't know where I belong when I am asked to join a community wherein the roles I have traditionally assumed are not needed. Let me explain.
I believe our sense and understanding of community is shaped and modeled by our family. How we understand ourselves and our roles within a group begins with how we interact and function in our family. For the majority of my childhood, and much of my adult life, I have assumed the role of nurturer and mother in my family. To me, family has become a place where I see needs and work to meet them, a place where I offer advice and guidance, and, sometimes to my detriment, a place where I model "good" behavior. Because my closest relationships have been built on this image of me as a rescuer and the image of motherly/sisterly perfection, I never learned how to truly be my authentic self within that context. **I do not think I am perfect, nor do I think I never show true personality traits...I'm really focusing on the aspects of my role within a community.**
This morning, I realized, within a community of people who do not need me to meet their emotional or physical needs (money, food, ect...), I don't know how to relate. I struggle to be vulnerable and open and I struggle to relate as something other than a mother or older sister. In my existence on the fringe of my community groups, I have a desire for more. I want to be a part of a spiritual community like the ones outlined in the Bible. I acknowledge my need for an older female mentor to guide me through Christian womanhood, and I know I have gifts and talents that exist for the sole purpose of building God's Kingdom, but why do I struggle to be authentically myself within these groups?
I have no answers. My game plan for 2020 is to build authenticity within a community that serves God and people. I look forward to keeping you posted on my journey of self discovery.
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